home

home

donderdag 8 december 2011

exit



Back Issues, Think Contra

# 0 0 9
| n s f w



silver shade


# 004


"There are roughly three New York's. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter - the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last - the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements."

E.B. White | Here is New York in Back Issues, Think Contra

dinsdag 22 november 2011

el bocado

Last night, we went to a pub (El Bocado, in Hasselt). We drunk cervezas and wine, coffee and lemonade. We talked for hours and hours about life and love, living and leaving.

One of us is going to London for a few days. She works as an architect at PCP Architects, creating buildings, houses and firms in a delicate, determinate style. Another one of us works as a reporter, but she recently lost her job. Times are changing, firms size down and money matters more than ever. Life isn't always as easy as we imagined it to be - we grow up. Fast. We become older and wizer, better and stronger. We invent, create, explore and explain. We travel. We write and read, we run and fall down. We stand up, straight. We go forth. We learn from our mistakes and we accept what fate's unfolding. We grow. More than ever, we grow. Harder, better, faster, stronger. We move forth. Together.

My friends are my world.


woensdag 9 november 2011

a ring is round and has no end

So he bought me a ring, but it didn't really mean that much. At least that's what he told me, so I started crying and I ran out of the museum. Into the air, into the clear blue sky. I took a deep breath and I stopped crying. Then, he asked me to explain. Can't you just be happy, I bought you a ring?

I wasn't happy at all, since he said that it didn't mean that much. Actually, I am a typical girl. Whining and moaning, oldschool romantic. I told him that he shouldn't give me a ring, if it didn't really mean anything. I told him that he could keep it, and give it to me when he could actually say it meant something. Or never give it to me at all, if it would never mean what I thought it should mean.

He didn't take it back. Instead, he explained to me what it meant to him. It did mean something, he just couldn't put it into words. It meant love, trust and confidence, a sign that we belong together, and above all, it represented what he stands for: stone. It's a ring made of stone, I can't even remember which kind of stone, but one thing is for sure, it's made of pretty strong material.

It's green and brown, grey and white - it reminds me of his eyes, his funny smile and the crazy stories he tells all the time. Most of all, it reminds me of the joy he brings into my daily-life existence, as if nothing is for real and what's real, doesn't count.

I guess I'm in love.

I shouldn't say this out loud, but I am. Truly, madly, deeply in love. Now I only have to make sure that I don't lose it - the ring. Actually, I tend to lose a lot of things. I had better bought a second one, just in case. But I didn't, so I'll do everything I can to take care of this one. Just as I take care of him. Everyday, any day.

We'll do it our way.

   

woensdag 19 oktober 2011

stitches

I fell on rocks and I broke my heart. Now I have stitches and it hurts, if I move, if I walk, whatever.

I hate my job. I kind of figured that out by now. I do, I hate it. It's stupid. I wish I could spit on it.

In two weeks, I will be leaving for Vienna. I feel happy and relieved, ready to dive into anything but work, anywhere but here.

Meanwhile, I am working on my next big masterplan. It's kind of a secret, up to now, but I am very excited about it. It involves moving and melting, living and learning. Leaving, too.

Who knows where I'll end up, eventually. For now, what matters most is what happens in between. Vienna, for example, and visiting friends, family gatherings, freetime fun. For once and for all, and for old time sake.



zondag 9 oktober 2011

autumnblues

Stay hungry, stay foolish. And in the end - connect the dots (Steve Jobs).

It's a lazy sunday-afternoon and I am staring at the ceiling. I hear nothing but the rain on my roof and some far away music. Growing up is the weirdest thing that ever happened to me (or should I say the hardest?). I smile, I work, I dance and I play - I am. I am being the girl that I am supposed to be. I must admit, I am pretty good at it. 

I probably shouldn't worry that much. According to Buddhism, everything's fine, as long as I keep on breathing. What you feel, isn't for real, it's only a fragile framework of sensations. According to the Beatles, nothing's wrong either: if "all you need is love", I am pretty wel set.

When I was sixteen-something, I played the piano for hours and hours, all day long. I haven't played in a while now, but these days, I feel like playing. It makes me feel safe and solid, lost in sound.

I might be having a random autumnblues, while leaves fall off and trees turn red. I guess I'll just keep on playing the piano, and listen to the rain on my roof.

I will be happy again, soon. I can almost feel it. 

(this is me playing the piano)


(this is the song I am listening to)


woensdag 5 oktober 2011

i feel

PLANELY LOVELY (FULLY LOADED) LONELY - I feel like playing piano all day, wearing nothing but pyjamas. I feel like saving the world before bedtime, instead of dreaming of another world. It's extremely busy at the office. People fight. People fight all the time. Most of the time, it's about money. Sometimes, it's about love. But rarely, it really matters.

WHATEVER/NEVERMIND - I guess I need a good night of sleep, and a weekend far away from the office. I booked a trip to Vienna, in the beginning of November. I am very excited about it. I am going to visit some friends who live there, a young couple with a two year old daughter. Also, I am going to visit someone I hardly know, but who knew me when I was five. He built his own house in Vienna, with a friend, inbetween parks, grass and greenery. I am quite sure it is going to be amazing. So I am counting down.

(counting down to get lost)


donderdag 29 september 2011

14:50

14:50 - it is extremely busy at the office. I asked for more responsability, and now I am being the kick-ass lawyer you sometimes see in movies. Not really, actually, but "kind of", it makes me dazzle on my feet and sweat behind my desk.

Since my head is so filled with work, I tend to forget about myself, my boyfriend and other aspects of life. I guess it's unhealthy, but it feels good to focus and forget, to move forth and fade. I do long for the weekend, two days of doing nothing, being with friends, stay up late and enjoy the sunshine. The weather is great these days, but I haven't really managed to get out of the office.

I did saw a movie the other night, "Crazy Stupid Love". It made me laugh, it made me smile, it made me happy. Life isn't comparable to movies, but it's nice to witness a happy ending from time to time.

Tonight I might go to a pub, if work allows it. I do look forward seeing my friends again, but at the same time I am so tired I could easily go to bed the minute I come home.

Last night, I saw this video on TED, titled "try something new for 30 days". Google engineer Matt Cutts talks about things he has always wanted to do, meant to do, but never really did. It kindly surprised me: he made it seem so easy to change your life, or at least small parts of it, by doing them for 30 days.

So I agreed with myself on a sustainable small change, which is "going to bed early". It sounds silly, and I am only 3 days far, but I already feel like I have achieved something big. Next month, I might try "stop eating candy before bedtime". That's a hard one, I know.

Well, that's it for now (I might as well call this blog "life for dummies"). Cheers! 

woensdag 28 september 2011

sweet



I am sweet and young and cute, or at least, that is what people tell me. I could be a sixties icon, with my hair held up and my eyes perfectly painted (black). I could be, but I'm not. I'm a lawyer. A very young lawyer, an oldschool playmate. I want - it all. I want to fly, far above the world as we know it, I want to fall, deeper than you ever fell before. I want it all. Take me, try me, screw me, drug me, love me, hate me - as long as it's real, make it feel true. But please don't you ever, don't you never ever, leave me. I promise you, I'll be good, not as good as you, but at least as good as me, and even though I am difficult, I am also a lot of fun, so please my darling baby, don't you ever leave me. Love me, like me, be good and be bad, be you, be young and free, be careless as a bee, fly high in the sky and be my favourite guy, above all, be real, be my oh my sweet deal, be true, be free, and for tonight: please dance with me.

maandag 26 september 2011

making choices - for dummies

I finally figured some things out. So I made a little list, named "How to make choices - for dummies". I'm happy to share it with you.

1. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
It sounds cliché, but it's quite the mastertrick. In the end, you almost always know in advance what you are going to do, you just didn't realise it yet.

2. DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR BOYFRIEND
Because in the end, you probably won't listen to him anyway. It doesn't matter that much what he thinks, since you have to live life in your own way and by your own rules. By doing so, he will only love you more, since you appear to be smart and confident in planning ahead and making your own decisions.

(Unless he's the kind of boy that holds your hand at night and makes all of your daytime dreams come true - in that case, he'll probably be able to figure out all things at once by planning One Big Common Future. In that case, you're lucky)

3. TRY TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOM
She's most of the time right. I mean it.

4. IF YOU ARE STILL NOT ABLE TO FIGURE THINGS OUT
Don't move. As long as you don't choose, everything remains possible. Time will come and time will tell you what to do, eventually. The only thing you need is trust, not even faith, but TRUST. Most of the big issues in life figure themselves out, eventually.

5. SMILE
Most of the time, making choices sucks. You win some, you lose some; you go forth, you fall behind. In the end, it is very important to keep on smiling. When smiling, we release endorphins and serotonin, which makes us feel happy. It boosts our immune system and it lowers our blood pressure. Above all, smiling is contagious. So whatever whenever and where-ever you go, don't you ever forget to SMILE.

(Unless something very bad happens, offcourse)


donderdag 22 september 2011

is life about love

or just about feelings?

(think)
 
(imagine - it might be all a mistake, you know)

(it might be about nothing more than fiction and feelings)

(imagine)

Maybe real love doesn't exist. Maybe we're all trying to act as if we love, as if we live, as if we do. We do (I do). But what does it actually mean?

Last night, I saw this movie about - I'd love to say love, but it was more about intimate affairs, endless intriges and bad behaviour. Broken marriages and reckless, romantic gestures. It made me think - to what does it all lead? Are we meant to be together, or is love just a fancy fairytale?

Actually, I know the answer. Love has got nothing to do with biology. It's about facts, frameworks and fragments of a future. A future together.

Of course the moment counts, it counts for all, but these days we might be looking for something more steady, something related to security, safety and strength. Or that's what I'm looking for, at least. I admit: I am. I do.

Love is more than a sequel of stories, a mindset of moments. It has to be thoughtful and true, but also shameless and pure. It has to make you feel safe and warm, and above all, forever.

At least that's what I think it should be. Why else do all the effort?

(You're right. Because it's fun.)

woensdag 21 september 2011

1/27

Ik woon weer op mijn kinderkamer, wat is het leven zoet. In een doos vond ik een wegwerpcamera, mooi verpakt, klaar voor gebruik. Ik heb hem op zak. Foto 1/27 is gemaakt, nog 26 foto's te gaan. LOOKING FORWARD.

Ik werk, woon en leef. Ik schrijf, dans en denk. Ik probeer te mediteren voor ik ga slapen, maar betrap mezelf erop dat ik dit vaker vervang door MAD MEN en vanille-ijs. Het doet er niet toe (zeg ik dan maar), life goes on. De wekker gaat vroeg, en papa dekt de tafel. Het is fijn om weer in een gezin te wonen, in een familie, met een broer en mijn piano en al mijn kleren in 1 kast. I LIKE.

Het zal vast weer gaan stormen, binnenkort, wanneer dit alles weer gewoon is en niet meer verrassend, als tevoren. Maar dat is nog niet nu, dat is voor later, voorlopig is het prima zo.

Misschien ga ik wel vlaggetjes hangen in de tuin, of ballonnen in de bomen. Het is fijn om ergens thuis te komen, om de tafel te dekken en op te staan, in een huis vol mensen die er zoveel toe doen.

Dank daarvoor, om weet ik veel wat, aan weet ik veel wie. 





maandag 19 september 2011

and also

go fresh

about dreams and dresses

So, a new header and a new banner, that's where my words left me. Besides that, nothing really happened. Nothing big, at least. 

Actually - now I think of it - some big things did happen. A friend of mine got married, and another one is going to marry in October. Even my brother is getting married, he picked a date mid-December. Quite a fuzz, a lot of white dresses and enthusiastic girlfriends. It makes me think of me, from "will I ever wear that kind of dress", to "do I actually want to wear that kind of dress", to "well, whatever - in the mean time I'll just buy other nice dresses". I don't really care for now, since I am happy with my life and even more happy to go to all my friends' fresh-planned weddings.

OK, actually, honestly, I did allready look for my own weddingdress:

Nice, isn't it?

It is.

Quite expensive too.

I guess I'll just get back to work and save some money, so I can buy all the other nice dresses I see before the day that might, or might not, actually ever come.

woensdag 24 augustus 2011

well - whatever

Well, whatever. The job interview went well, or went all wrong, I don't know. I woke up this morning after a bad night of sleep, totally confused, not knowing anymore at all what I prefer in my life and most of all, if I am able (and willing) to work more then I allready do.

Well, whatever. I tought about it long enough to say "Fuck you all, we'll see what the future may bring". For now, I just want to have fun, hang out with my friends, enjoy the city I live in and most of all: rest. I am going to sleep early tonight, and think of the wonderfull weekend I had in Copenhagen. I am going to remember truly and profoundly how much fun I had, instead of occupying my head with worrying and shit. FUCK YOU ALL. Above all, I am only 24 years old, way too young to be the center of this game about expectations, goals, billable hours and bullshit. Well, FUCK YOU.

As I said, I had a wonderfull time in Copenhagen. I love that city! Most of all, I love Helene, a girl I once met, who showed me around. She opened my eyes and closed them again, for good and bad en most of all truth. We had so much fun.

Now, I'm off to work again. Well, whatever.


woensdag 10 augustus 2011

i forgot

to mention I spent the last month in Zanzibar and Tanzania. Quite a trip - a mindblowing experience. I don't feel like writing about it, but I'd love to show you some pictures!









back at work/back on track

I am happy again. Back at work, back on track. Life is good. I wear my shirt with pride and I smile quite often. I like my job. That's a first, or at least it has been a while since I tought about it that way. I eat strawberrycake for lunch and I work on files concerning green energy, the diamond industry, illegal immigrants - and I like it. It might be just for a while, and it has probably something to do with the fact that I am able to change. With that I mean, to change my job. I have a job interview at the end of next week, after that I leave for Copenhagen. Thank God I leave - again. I love leaving. Living, loving, leaving.

I'll see what I'll do. Or I stay, or I go. Should I stay or should I go? I actually think it's kind of funny. I am lucky. A very lucky girl. Where others have to fight and crawl to find a job that fits their need, I am in the position to choose. If I only liked choosing - whatever (smile). As long as you don't choose, everything remains possible (Mr. Nobody, 00:51).

I love my life and I love my little brother. He's back in town, after travelling for 6 months. I cried when he left, I smiled when he came back. I bought him a catapult, that tool you use to shoot people with rocks. He likes it. I missed him so much! Now things are back as before - we text, we meet, we laugh, we live. Last night we texted eachother at the same time, saying "check out the rainbow outside!" - isn't that funny. I am happy.

It's a bit cold at the office, but I love feeling the wind on my skin and having my window open. My heart is warm and filled with love, curiosity and joy. It's time to sail away, but in the same time it is time to enjoy the view on this mountaintop. Life goes fast. Things change easily. Life is good. For now, I feel fine.

Greetings,
 
the happiest girl in town

snapshot - Africa

dinsdag 5 juli 2011

midnight in paris

It's midnight and I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping, but I am not.

I had a wonderful evening with the girls. We went for drinks in the Florian, a small pub nearby, while the sun went down and the sky started fading. We drank some beer - except for me, I took a Canada Dry, since I was expecting an important phonecall and I didn't want to be cloudy when he heard my voice. We had dinner in a classic Italian rooftop-restaurant, and finished our meals with Irish coffee and chocolate chip coockies. Even before our food had arrived, my phone rang. My heart skipped a beat, I stood up, I walked calm and steadily to the toilets, they were nearby, I had checked it before, and finally, I picked up the phone. "Hi, Sofie speaking", I said steadily, knowing who was on the other side of the line.

We had the conversation I waited for for days, at the right time, the right place, the right moment. I hadn't been ready for it at all, but strangely, once my phone rang, I knew what I had to do: I had to be honest, kind and clear. I said, firmly: "We should talk, soon. I'd like to find out if my ambitions match your expectations". A good phrase for a girl of my age, good enough to make some impression on a businessman twice my age, and a lifetime of experience. 

The sea is calm, I am at peace. I haven't made my decision yet, but I am quite close and I feel fine. As long you don't choose, everything remains possible. Soon, I'll have to choose, but it doesn't even botter me that much. I am ready for a change, for a fall, for anything but the obvious. I feel like jumping, flying, discovering the world all over again. I feel like exploring, I feel like - me. I feel fine. It feels good to be able and to have the opportunity to choose again, autonomous. It feels good to be me, to take the lead and tumble down. I feel fine, I am not afraid, I am at ease, calm and content. Life is good. Life is full of opportunities, and it is up to me to make the most of it - not even the most, but - it is up to me to figure out what suits me best.

I am very well surrounded. Thank God I have those girls. Not only the girls in the pub, or at the restaurant, but also those on location, those who remind me of me and make me feel like I belong there. Thank God they support me, when noone else does. Life is about making choices. Not even the right ones - in the end, it doesn't even matter. It does, but the day you look back, things are allready done, like a famous author used to say: "Life is a painting that isn't finished till the day you die". He must be right.

my feet touch the ground


vrijdag 1 juli 2011

i still

haven't figured it out. I have a wonderful boyfriend though, that's for sure. I think I might love him, I might be quite sure. Yesterday, we said goodbye. He is leaving for quite a while, and when he gets back, I'll be abroad. So we went to a pub and played "truth or dare", like teenagers do, and we kissed and laughed our asses off. Eventually, we got drunk - or at least I did, quite often these days. Once we got home, we left again, since we didn't feel like staying. We took the car for some more driving, we made out, and before we both knew it, time collapsed, and the whole wide world was nothing more than a big glowing bubble. God, I love that feeling.

I gave him his birthdaypresent, and I am quite sure he likes it. It's a jump out of an airplane with a parachute, what's that word again, a parachute-jump. I wrote him a note with the following message: "Baby. I couldn't quite figure out what you'd like the most: jumping or flying. So I picked a gift that combines both: first you jump, than you fly. I hope you have the time of your life doing whatever you are going to do, and please do tell me how it made you feel: when the whole world tumbles and nothing is for real". It's a small rhyme actually, and I have to admit that I am quite proud of it.

I love him. I write it down to convince myself of all the goodness he brings into my life. This morning, when I left, with his eyes wide open and his smile all over me, I felt like nothing really mattered, as long as he's with me. All the choices that I have to make - moving, staying, running, leaving - it doesn't really matter. As long as I am with him, life is good. And in the end, we are leaving anyway, together, we've got our bags allready packed and our minds worldwide open. It's just a matter of time. Time, and timing. God, I love that boy.

woensdag 29 juni 2011

le monde tourne mal

I have to make choices - I hate making choices. My mind keeps on spinning, listing arguments and analysis about what to do and for which reason. Or I move, and I change my life, I change every little detail of it; or I stay. Am I spoiled? Am I looking way too far for my happiness? I might/maybe. Maybe I should try harder, try to be happy right here, right now. I should. But I am happy, actually I am, I just hate my job, or parts of it, or at least a lot of it. It's boring. Being a lawyer is boring. Al those documents, words and wounds, discussions and drama. The drama! I hate the drama. I hate the scene, the "acting cool", the "being a lawyer", with royal watches and fancy ties. I hate it. I hate it, how people make their identity out of it, I think it's cheap, and stupid too, mostly stupid. Anyway: I can make the change. I could go to a bigger firm, more business-alike, with less drama, more prestige. With a better pay at the end of each month, but less hours to spend on me, on life, on my private little life. 

I could make the change, run away from all that's bothering me, or I could stay, and try to deal with it. I actually love the town where I live, since all my friends are here too, and life is quite booming over here. We laugh, we go out, we drink and we have fun - we do life double. Daytime workers, night-time players. I love that kind of life, but it's also quite exhausting. Also, I guess I wouldn't need al the night-time fun, if I was happy and fulfilled with my daytime job. Anyway: I have to choose.

Of course I'd make new friends, and I'd meet old friends too, I'd meet people that I haven't seen in a while, and my whole life would be thrown open again if I decided to move. I like that. I like major, overwhelming changes. But when burning bridges, one has to be careful to not burn oneself. And that's exactly what I'm afraid of (life is hot enough allready).

I could hang on to this life for a little bit more, a year or so, and think things through more thoroughly. I guess that's the right thing to do, or at least the advice my mom gave me. She might be right.

Or I could make the change, and deal with the dozen questions and landmarks that keep me awake at night. I know and I feel that my actual job sucks, so why wouldn't I change? Or should I put it this way: why make the change, if you're not sure it's better elsewhere ?


Japan, 2009

zaterdag 11 juni 2011

samstag/funtag

It's Saturday and nothing really happens. Actually, we're all stoned and - as my boyfriend calls it - wake and baked. Honestly: I've never done this before. I use to be against this, against all modes and means of influencing your mindset. But than I met this boy, and that kind of bullshit thereafter, and suddenly I sit here - wake and baked - with nothing on my mind. Nothing but a big vague blur and revealing rainbows. To make this moment meaningful, or at least rememberable - I write it down. I suddenly remembered I had a blog, this blog, something to do when all other things are done.

Done. I don't know in which way this makes me think of my boyfriend, but it certainly does. Is this what it's supposed to be? Drunk and dreamy, dreamy and done. We don't arrive at talking things through, we bless the mess with weed and wonders. We tried to, yesterday, in a pub around the corner, with perfect walls and no-one around. It didn't really work out.

Is this me, ruining the next best thing that happens to me? I admit, I thought he could be the 1. Not that I believe in numbers nor signs, I did believe he could - he could make me truly, madly, deeply happy. He can, I am still quit sure he can. But something truly scares me, and I can't manage to sort it out. Maybe it's me. Probably, it's me. It's me and my miscellaneous mindset, messing around with anything that's new and frightening. Exciting, too. Anyway: that's where the weed works. I admit it: It works. Truly, madly, deeply.

Long Island, NY, 2010

donderdag 26 mei 2011

so tired

I am tired. I am a mess, and I am tired. I love my life. I love my job, or at least I think I do.

Ik ben moe. Buiten schijnt de zon en de wind waait door de bomen (makkers, staakt uw wild geraas). Waar ga ik heen? Inbetween dreams, inbetween work, inbetween life, inbetween love - zo voelt het soms. Overal een beetje tussen, nergens helemaal hélemaal in. Ik ga door, dat staat vast. (living, loving, leaving) we all go on. Omdat het moet, omdat het hoort, omdat dat nu eenmaal het meest vanzelfsprekende is om te doen. Is dat zo? Ik weet het niet.

Voorlopig gaan we nog even door (op het lichtend pad, het verkeerde spoor). De klok tikt verder, dagen komen en gaan, mensen vliegen, en ook Elvis blijft bestaan. Er was eens een meisje (une toute petite fille) met een hoofd vol dromen en een zak vol maneschijn. Ze glunderde, immer en altijd, alsof ze steeds het lekkerste snoepje van iedereen had gestolen. Vandaag de dag werkt ze, dat vooral, a fulltime lawyer, with fulltime responsabilities. Ik droom nog steeds, een hele snoepzak vol, en ben er zeker van dat alles ooit anders wordt. Niet dat het nu niet goed is, zoals het is, integendeel, het is mooi zo. Ik leer enorm veel bij en groei als geen ander, ik groei en vertak en leer bij en - ga weer slapen. Het is mooi zo. Baat het niet, dan schaadt het niet, vallen doen we allemaal - en opstaan ook, ik stond op om 8:00 vanmorgen en heb al talloze uren voorbij zijn gaan - ik ga eraan beginnen. WERK.


donderdag 31 maart 2011

so - here i am

so here we are - so here I am. Writing a blog (we all write blogs) and living my life (we all live our lifes). What makes me special? I don't have a clue. Am I special? I don't know either. Do I need to be special? (We all want to be special). As you see - we allready have a lot in common (which makes us, then again, less special).

Anyway: I am fille (so-fille). I am fille and I write. I love writing. I also love dancing - and talking and dreaming and running around. I love sunshine - don't we all love sunshine? I love a lot. I might love you. I might fall in love with the next possible stranger that crosses my road on my way to the gym. That being said: I have to go. Oh! I almost forgot: I also love Paris.


dinsdag 8 februari 2011

we've got it all

I can't do this again - Ik geef toe. Ik word verliefd. Ik wil niet verliefd worden; het maakt me bang en klein en onzeker. Het maakt me zwak, het maakt me bezorgd. Hij stuurt niet terug. Hij stuurde dagenlang immens veel maar nu, sinds 16:00, stuurt hij niet meer terug. 

Hoe vaak heb ik hem niet teruggestuurd? Duizendmaal. Ik stuurde - a priori - niet terug. Hij hield vol. Hij bleef sturen, bleef aanwezig, drukte zichzelf in mijn drukste leven ooit: dat van mijn hart. Het is nog niet te laat - ik ben nog niet verliefd. Ik kan nog terug, we hebben nog niet gekust, we hebben nog niets; niets meer dan woorden. Het is nog niet te laat: ik kan nog terug.

Een maand geleden plakte ik foto's op de muur. Ik keek vooral naar de kleuren; het contrast - het gevoel. Ik keek niet zozeer naar de prentjes, maar wel naar het gevoel dat ieder beeld met zich mee bracht. Vandaag zag ik opnieuw wat ik ooit eerder zag: we've got it all - op een foto aan de zee; dakterras; scrabble. Geert Willem. Ik maakte hem een fotoboek, destijds, vol beelden en woorden; vol van ons. Eerst een foto "can't you see", dan een foto "we've got it all". Hij zag het niet. Hij heeft het nooit gezien, of misschien even, eerst, maar al snel niet meer. We hielden vol. Twee jaar lang. Binnen- en buitenland; ter land, ter zee en in de lucht. Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Leuven, Parijs, Antwerpen, Tokyo en Schiermonnikoog. We hielden vol. Veel verhalen, weinig liefde. Veel liefde, geen verhaal. Ik weet het niet. Ik weet het niet meer. Ik weet dat het pijn doet, soms. Niet hem - alles, behalve hem. Het verhaal; het verleden. Het blijft; het gaat niet weg. Onuitwisbaar. Een herinnering.

Ik ben blij. Ik ben blij met wie ik ben, met de levens die ik leefde, het meisje dat ik ben. Al doet het pijn, soms. Zoveel hoop en liefde, rust en chaos. Er gebeurt zoveel vanbinnen. Ik val en ik stamel, ik tuimel en vlieg. Ik ga door. I can do this. Misschien niet nu, niet hier en niet nu of met de jongen van vandaag, maar - adem - I'll get there.

Can't you see
we've got it all?