woensdag 29 juni 2011

le monde tourne mal

I have to make choices - I hate making choices. My mind keeps on spinning, listing arguments and analysis about what to do and for which reason. Or I move, and I change my life, I change every little detail of it; or I stay. Am I spoiled? Am I looking way too far for my happiness? I might/maybe. Maybe I should try harder, try to be happy right here, right now. I should. But I am happy, actually I am, I just hate my job, or parts of it, or at least a lot of it. It's boring. Being a lawyer is boring. Al those documents, words and wounds, discussions and drama. The drama! I hate the drama. I hate the scene, the "acting cool", the "being a lawyer", with royal watches and fancy ties. I hate it. I hate it, how people make their identity out of it, I think it's cheap, and stupid too, mostly stupid. Anyway: I can make the change. I could go to a bigger firm, more business-alike, with less drama, more prestige. With a better pay at the end of each month, but less hours to spend on me, on life, on my private little life. 

I could make the change, run away from all that's bothering me, or I could stay, and try to deal with it. I actually love the town where I live, since all my friends are here too, and life is quite booming over here. We laugh, we go out, we drink and we have fun - we do life double. Daytime workers, night-time players. I love that kind of life, but it's also quite exhausting. Also, I guess I wouldn't need al the night-time fun, if I was happy and fulfilled with my daytime job. Anyway: I have to choose.

Of course I'd make new friends, and I'd meet old friends too, I'd meet people that I haven't seen in a while, and my whole life would be thrown open again if I decided to move. I like that. I like major, overwhelming changes. But when burning bridges, one has to be careful to not burn oneself. And that's exactly what I'm afraid of (life is hot enough allready).

I could hang on to this life for a little bit more, a year or so, and think things through more thoroughly. I guess that's the right thing to do, or at least the advice my mom gave me. She might be right.

Or I could make the change, and deal with the dozen questions and landmarks that keep me awake at night. I know and I feel that my actual job sucks, so why wouldn't I change? Or should I put it this way: why make the change, if you're not sure it's better elsewhere ?

Japan, 2009

zaterdag 11 juni 2011


It's Saturday and nothing really happens. Actually, we're all stoned and - as my boyfriend calls it - wake and baked. Honestly: I've never done this before. I use to be against this, against all modes and means of influencing your mindset. But than I met this boy, and that kind of bullshit thereafter, and suddenly I sit here - wake and baked - with nothing on my mind. Nothing but a big vague blur and revealing rainbows. To make this moment meaningful, or at least rememberable - I write it down. I suddenly remembered I had a blog, this blog, something to do when all other things are done.

Done. I don't know in which way this makes me think of my boyfriend, but it certainly does. Is this what it's supposed to be? Drunk and dreamy, dreamy and done. We don't arrive at talking things through, we bless the mess with weed and wonders. We tried to, yesterday, in a pub around the corner, with perfect walls and no-one around. It didn't really work out.

Is this me, ruining the next best thing that happens to me? I admit, I thought he could be the 1. Not that I believe in numbers nor signs, I did believe he could - he could make me truly, madly, deeply happy. He can, I am still quit sure he can. But something truly scares me, and I can't manage to sort it out. Maybe it's me. Probably, it's me. It's me and my miscellaneous mindset, messing around with anything that's new and frightening. Exciting, too. Anyway: that's where the weed works. I admit it: It works. Truly, madly, deeply.

Long Island, NY, 2010