woensdag 29 juni 2011

le monde tourne mal

I have to make choices - I hate making choices. My mind keeps on spinning, listing arguments and analysis about what to do and for which reason. Or I move, and I change my life, I change every little detail of it; or I stay. Am I spoiled? Am I looking way too far for my happiness? I might/maybe. Maybe I should try harder, try to be happy right here, right now. I should. But I am happy, actually I am, I just hate my job, or parts of it, or at least a lot of it. It's boring. Being a lawyer is boring. Al those documents, words and wounds, discussions and drama. The drama! I hate the drama. I hate the scene, the "acting cool", the "being a lawyer", with royal watches and fancy ties. I hate it. I hate it, how people make their identity out of it, I think it's cheap, and stupid too, mostly stupid. Anyway: I can make the change. I could go to a bigger firm, more business-alike, with less drama, more prestige. With a better pay at the end of each month, but less hours to spend on me, on life, on my private little life. 

I could make the change, run away from all that's bothering me, or I could stay, and try to deal with it. I actually love the town where I live, since all my friends are here too, and life is quite booming over here. We laugh, we go out, we drink and we have fun - we do life double. Daytime workers, night-time players. I love that kind of life, but it's also quite exhausting. Also, I guess I wouldn't need al the night-time fun, if I was happy and fulfilled with my daytime job. Anyway: I have to choose.

Of course I'd make new friends, and I'd meet old friends too, I'd meet people that I haven't seen in a while, and my whole life would be thrown open again if I decided to move. I like that. I like major, overwhelming changes. But when burning bridges, one has to be careful to not burn oneself. And that's exactly what I'm afraid of (life is hot enough allready).

I could hang on to this life for a little bit more, a year or so, and think things through more thoroughly. I guess that's the right thing to do, or at least the advice my mom gave me. She might be right.

Or I could make the change, and deal with the dozen questions and landmarks that keep me awake at night. I know and I feel that my actual job sucks, so why wouldn't I change? Or should I put it this way: why make the change, if you're not sure it's better elsewhere ?

Japan, 2009

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