dinsdag 5 juli 2011

midnight in paris

It's midnight and I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping, but I am not.

I had a wonderful evening with the girls. We went for drinks in the Florian, a small pub nearby, while the sun went down and the sky started fading. We drank some beer - except for me, I took a Canada Dry, since I was expecting an important phonecall and I didn't want to be cloudy when he heard my voice. We had dinner in a classic Italian rooftop-restaurant, and finished our meals with Irish coffee and chocolate chip coockies. Even before our food had arrived, my phone rang. My heart skipped a beat, I stood up, I walked calm and steadily to the toilets, they were nearby, I had checked it before, and finally, I picked up the phone. "Hi, Sofie speaking", I said steadily, knowing who was on the other side of the line.

We had the conversation I waited for for days, at the right time, the right place, the right moment. I hadn't been ready for it at all, but strangely, once my phone rang, I knew what I had to do: I had to be honest, kind and clear. I said, firmly: "We should talk, soon. I'd like to find out if my ambitions match your expectations". A good phrase for a girl of my age, good enough to make some impression on a businessman twice my age, and a lifetime of experience. 

The sea is calm, I am at peace. I haven't made my decision yet, but I am quite close and I feel fine. As long you don't choose, everything remains possible. Soon, I'll have to choose, but it doesn't even botter me that much. I am ready for a change, for a fall, for anything but the obvious. I feel like jumping, flying, discovering the world all over again. I feel like exploring, I feel like - me. I feel fine. It feels good to be able and to have the opportunity to choose again, autonomous. It feels good to be me, to take the lead and tumble down. I feel fine, I am not afraid, I am at ease, calm and content. Life is good. Life is full of opportunities, and it is up to me to make the most of it - not even the most, but - it is up to me to figure out what suits me best.

I am very well surrounded. Thank God I have those girls. Not only the girls in the pub, or at the restaurant, but also those on location, those who remind me of me and make me feel like I belong there. Thank God they support me, when noone else does. Life is about making choices. Not even the right ones - in the end, it doesn't even matter. It does, but the day you look back, things are allready done, like a famous author used to say: "Life is a painting that isn't finished till the day you die". He must be right.

my feet touch the ground

vrijdag 1 juli 2011

i still

haven't figured it out. I have a wonderful boyfriend though, that's for sure. I think I might love him, I might be quite sure. Yesterday, we said goodbye. He is leaving for quite a while, and when he gets back, I'll be abroad. So we went to a pub and played "truth or dare", like teenagers do, and we kissed and laughed our asses off. Eventually, we got drunk - or at least I did, quite often these days. Once we got home, we left again, since we didn't feel like staying. We took the car for some more driving, we made out, and before we both knew it, time collapsed, and the whole wide world was nothing more than a big glowing bubble. God, I love that feeling.

I gave him his birthdaypresent, and I am quite sure he likes it. It's a jump out of an airplane with a parachute, what's that word again, a parachute-jump. I wrote him a note with the following message: "Baby. I couldn't quite figure out what you'd like the most: jumping or flying. So I picked a gift that combines both: first you jump, than you fly. I hope you have the time of your life doing whatever you are going to do, and please do tell me how it made you feel: when the whole world tumbles and nothing is for real". It's a small rhyme actually, and I have to admit that I am quite proud of it.

I love him. I write it down to convince myself of all the goodness he brings into my life. This morning, when I left, with his eyes wide open and his smile all over me, I felt like nothing really mattered, as long as he's with me. All the choices that I have to make - moving, staying, running, leaving - it doesn't really matter. As long as I am with him, life is good. And in the end, we are leaving anyway, together, we've got our bags allready packed and our minds worldwide open. It's just a matter of time. Time, and timing. God, I love that boy.