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donderdag 5 december 2013

better


Things are better. Finally, slowly, we find our track.
The road is bumpy. I always dreamt of pure, white love, like dazzling snowflakes in a morning sky. Our apartment is brown instead of white, our love is bumpy instead of smooth. Still, he sets me free. Free from sorrow, tears, fear and pain. We’re happy together. Our future is bright. All is possible – we now can determine which road we want to take, together.
So we live in Brussels and we are working a lot. I’m back to being a lawyer, which makes me feel calm but sad at the same time. I try to look for other opportunities on a daily basis, and I am quite sure that one day I will find my way to another, exciting adventure which combines my love for art and culture, and my legal, analytic skills. Or that, I hope. As long as we hope, everything remains possible.
Some things are very good. I finally create my own family, instead of fighting the family I lost along the way. I see reality as it is. For now, I did a good job in developing myself as a young women. I still have some work, though. I miss my spark. My lust for life, my enthusiasm for what is new. It’ll grow again, soon. In a couple months, I might feel safe enough to take some more chances. Luckily, I have a lot of support.  
I’m going to Paris for the weekend with the man I might marry one day. I hope to show him around, although I might have lost my way. It’s been years I’ve been to the city – the city in which I, for the first time, developed my feminine side, my hunger for life and my hopes for the future. I love Paris. I love speaking French, having dinner in little restaurants and drinks au bord de la Seine.
We might move to Paris, one day. Or to Copenhagen, London or Brazil. As I said, all is possible. And actually, that feels quite good.  


 

zaterdag 23 november 2013

demons



I love him, but I lost him – in love, that is. He is often angry, never satisfied, he scares me and I need him or I cannot sleep in the cold of my own breath - I once was colorful and strong, now I feel terrified and grey.

I love him, or at least I try to – he doesn't buy it, he tells me my love is elsewhere, my thoughts he cannot control, but fact is – I love him, I love to be together, I’d love to start a family and move on and forward to whatever comes next, together - But of course, I realize – we can’t. We fight, we doubt, we lose track and fall and fight and seek for the answer but the question is - where is the love?

He is not afraid for whatever comes next – he is terrified by demons of the paste. So I did some research. Often when I feel lost or confused, I try to track the theoretic founding of my doubt looking for answers – solutions. I looked for jealousy – obsessive loving – controlling relationships. I found what I was looking for, but not what I wanted to know.

While he screens my emails, my phone, my letters and lust – we drift further and further apart, away -
Finally, we do no longer exist
Finally, we are two separate souls seeking for love and truth and compassion, killing each other with fear and disillusion, in need for love and trust -
Far away from what’s real
Reality, that is

For the first time today or last night
I thought about letting you go
moving out and moving further
I have nowhere to go – no one to love
Nowhere to hide – no one to blame
So I feel lost and confused, dazzled and done
I need you more than ever
But I may not be destroyed by love
Nor by you

dinsdag 30 april 2013

summer in the city


my list

What I am going to miss the most after my stay in America:

1)  Time
2)  Whole-grain bagels
3)  Lunch breaks in the sun
4)  Again, time
5)  Yoga with Taunia, my favorite teacher
6)  Fresh soups & salads at Panera Bread
7)  Southern hospitality 
(from “How do you do”, to “Aren’t you the sweetest”, 
to “How cute do you look today?”)
8)  Random conversation
9)  Sunshine (is a friend of mine)
10) Structure and sports
11) Time to think, talk & write
12) Skype
13) Speaking in another language 
(luckily, my brand new boyfriend speaks French)
14) Birds, squirrels and huge trees
15) Belcourt Theatre (remember: Sugar Man, A Late Quartet
From Up on Poppy Hill, Annie Hall)
16) Travelling among States 
(I love to take a plane from time to time)
17) New York 
(I love to stop by New York, from time to time)
18) International friends that feel as if you’ve known them forever 
(Daniela. Kate. Derek. Dashiell. Josh. Caroline. Claudi. Maria. Sina. Dimitri, Una and Ani. Marina, Scott & Sean.)
19) The Lebanese in New Orleans
20) My apartment. 






woensdag 10 april 2013

je veux

Things I want to buy that make me happy:

Massimo Dutti summer bag


Lanvin – Eclat d’Arpège

Clarins – Beauty Flash Balm

Work in progress. 

dinsdag 9 april 2013

enough


All my life I tried to be perfect. For my mom, my friends, my family, and for me. Now, I start to realize that maybe the only way to be happy, is to be imperfect. I’m tired of the fight – I’m tired of the doubt, the guilt, the insecurity, the feeling of not being good enough.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. At home, I most of the time felt terribly incomplete – I felt as if I didn’t satisfy, while all I actually should have cared about, was me. This year, I took my gap. I took my break out of my daily life existence, and I started to care about me. Still, I am frustrated – it is hard, to please myself, with scores that are far too high for a girl of my age. No – that was who I used to be. I’m 26 now, and I don’t need to proof anything anymore – I should start to enjoy life, day by day, while slowly moving forward in my own unique direction.
I must admit: I do not know all of the time where I am going. Still, I know what matters most: I want to have a family, someday soon, and I want to spend most of my time with the man I love. There is no picture-perfect. There are dreams, hope, perspectives and plans. That’s all there is, and that’s all I need for now. It is enough. It is more than enough to make my dreams come true.

vrijdag 5 april 2013

stronger now

Time goes by and then things change. Now already, I’m saying goodbye to the past, welcoming a new future. Any future. 
Time goes fast. I spent a year in the United States, living my dream. Today, it's almost over. Sometimes, I’m afraid. I wasn’t afraid to come here – I was full of energy, like a rock star, ready for the road. Being here, I learned a lot. Most of all, I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid. I’ll get there, and while doing so, I am there, too. I should enjoy my daily living, instead of worrying about the future, the past, or today. I should focus more on what’s happening now, instead of worrying for what’s about to come. It will all be fine.
Also, I learned to rely on myself, more than I did before. I learned to trust my heart, instead of my head, and honestly, it led to some awesome opportunities. I still try to go to bed early, to avoid processed food, to drink less diet drinks and to ease on the chewing gum. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I am – definitely – too hard on myself. I spoil happy moments by judging myself on my looks, my behavior, my feel – even though I’m quite pretty and honestly feeling fine. 
Maybe the most important part is realizing all of this – putting it in my backpack on my way home. I don’t feel like going home. It’s too early – I still need to consolidate all that I’ve learned and learn more, every day. There's so much to discover. There’s a time for everything – this is the time to say goodbye. I’m terribly afraid of the demons out there, the bad memories and the good and the people, the events, even the fun. I needed a change. Now, I need to make sure that some things will change. 
Actually, nothing can go wrong. It can only be better than before. Different, but better.


dinsdag 2 april 2013


skinny bird


So I read an article on how to set goals. It reminded me of my yoga practice (“take a moment and set an intention for your practice; why are you here, what are you here for?”). Also, it reminded me of my future perspectives. Three main goals colored my life: 1) No more Ritalin, 2) No more Nicotine gum, 3) No more Dulcolax. Plenty of people take medicines to survive daily life society. I decide not to. However, when growing up, I got used to my little list of addictions, too. Now, I would love to come clean. 

Goal 1: done. Although it is still quite hard to focus and concentrate, I do feel slightly better than before. I feel more pure. I am more me. I am no longer directed by chemicals, changing my mood. My dopamine-levels are back to normal. I am more in control of my emotions, although they do pop up randomly, at any time of the day. I am less interested and motivated for school, but I do reflect more often on my natural passions and skills. For that, I feel as if I am making progress. Well done. 

Goal 2: Almost done. I know now that I am able to no longer chew Nicotine gum. I can chew normal gum, although I do prefer the Nicotine substance – it is more chewy and takes more time to digest. Also, it helps me concentrate and keeps me away from food. However, as it is a bad habit, I decided to quite. Instead, I am eating a lot of carrots.

Goal 3: Work in progress. I started using Dulcolax when I was 10. I found it in my mom’s drawer and I read about it in a magazine. I felt fat. I was little, confused, disorientated and disappointed by all the change happening around me. I used it once. I felt so sick that I spent the whole night in the bathroom. The morning after I was as light as a feather. Empty mind, empty stomach, empty perspectives. I felt perfectly fine. 

Years went by and I started using Dulcolax more frequently. I got used to the dosage and started taking more pills in less time. Things got pretty bad. When I was 17, I got hospitalized for 7 months in a specialized clinic “for teenage girls with eating disorders”. I did not stop using Dulcolax. I learned how to eat “as normal people do”, but as soon as I got out of the clinic, I learned that “normal” does not exist. I had to develop my own eating pattern, based on my personal preferences, feelings and friends. Then, I went to the University. For the first time in my life, I was in actual control of – everything. Things got better. I got pretty skinny, I had good grades, plenty of friends and a feel for the future. I felt fine. 

When I was 20, I moved to Paris. There, I learned to eat “for real”. I started drinking alcohol, served with bread, butter, grapes and cheese. I ate with friends, I went to restaurants, spend nights at clubs and mornings in the park, having breakfast at noon and dinner at night. In sum: I learned how to live life the Burgundian way. I loved it. 

After Paris, I had gained several pounds. I felt horrible. Not in Paris – in Paris, everything felt fine. At home, things felt terribly different. I returned to Belgium with one matter on mind: I have to lose those pounds. 

I lost all of them, quite quickly. I started re-using Dulcolax after meeting a boy from overseas. We fell in love and traveled the world, together, for a while. Eventually, we broke up. I remember using Dulcolax for the first time, in a long time, after I visited him in Tokyo. His last words, before I got on the plane back home: “I love having you around, but I’m not sure if I am going to miss you. I think I need some time alone, now”. 

I recovered. It took me some time and an awful lot of partying, but eventually, I felt better. I left to Bali for the summer and spent another month in New York, with people I met in Indonesia. Then, I started working as a lawyer. Under pressure of work, friends, family and – maybe most of all – my own rigid standards, I started reusing Dulcolax. To delete whatever failure I felt, whatever wound I thought bleeding. I knew I had to leave. I had to find my way out, figure things out, and leave. 

And so I left. I left to the United States. It was one big adventure, a roller coaster ride through a sea full of stars - most of all, for me, a time out. For the first time, I realized that taking Dulcolax is bad for my body. I am ruining my natural metabolism for the purpose of being skinny. Part of me is calm. The pills are designed for a regular medical purpose: using them is making use of the regular medical framework, FDA approved. Why should I be worried? Another part of me knows the truth. It is addictive, it made me go to the hospital and it harms my physical nature. I may no longer use it – period. 

I haven’t used Dulcolax for a while now. I know why: I am loved. Still, the battle is hard to fight. Sometimes, in the morning, after another night out or a dinner in town, I could cry – I ate. I ate dessert, I drank alcohol, I did not remove the cheese or butter from my plate – I ate. Currently, I feel quite fat. Honestly, I feel as if I haven’t been fatter before. I’m not sure if it’s true. Still, I feel a failure. I gave up my strict rules and I gave in to “normal” dining. I’m not sure whether I will have to look much further for the truth: I am feeling rather disappointed, but maybe this road will lead in the long run to happiness. As in: I am no longer perfect, no longer the skinniest girl in town, but I will be able to live freely, make love, and go for 21st century dining. 

I think I am making progress – slowly, but certain. I am sure that I would like to live my future life differently: I will marry a nice guy, cook for him at night and take care of my children. Therefore, I am sure that I will adapt my food pattern, for the purpose of my own destiny. I probably shouldn’t worry that much, as most of the time, everything turns out fine. I might have too much time to think, and I definitely feel the pressure of figuring things out before I go back home. I don’t want to go back to how things were before. I am certainly stronger now – I hope I am strong enough. 

Note: After reading my article, I might have to frame things differently. I am strong enough. I will do things differently. I will not go back to the way things were before. I can only move forward. So forward we go. Together. 

vrijdag 29 maart 2013

11:05

So I left this morning in a rush. We didn’t finish our morning appetite, I didn’t have time to do my hair properly, I was running late for class, or at least I thought I was.

After class, I ran to JJ’s, the coffee place, where I was supposed to meet him. He’s not here, he might be at the library, I’m not sure - I miss him already. I’d love to talk to him, see him, walk towards him with my favorite smile, I would love to look into his eyes, get lost in the way he makes me feel, like yesterday – 

So I asked for a tall French guy, blond, about 1.85 meter high – but they didn’t see him, or at least not this morning. So here I am, waiting. 

(Minutes later) He arrived. Tall, blond, providing me with the best smile ever and a story to tell. My love, I’m so proud of you. Sitting at our table, holding hands and hearts together. My darling, I love you so. 



zondag 24 maart 2013

future perfect

Idea: write a book

Timing: when I’m pregnant

Title: “On Being Pregnant & Becoming Mom”

About: A practical (& emotional) guide for starter moms

Goal: being published

Future perspectives: to write more books, maybe a sequel, on being mom and wife in modern times.


I’ll be writing, then, and partially working in fashion or the creative industry. I’ll be taking care of my family by being home on time, cooking meals in the evening and breakfast in the morning. I will be hosting weekend parties for far away friends, I will be making love to my husband at least 3 times a week. I will, most of all, be happy.

In my writing, I can include things I learned from living life in practice: how to cook for a family, how to host dinner parties while kids run around the house, how to combine being a mom with being a wife, a princess at night and mother in the morning. It might be impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.

The introduction of my book will probably be – this. I could include ads or promote my work through various channels, using my broad network of friends, family and fans. I will report on restaurants I visit, bars I go to, or sporting clubs, on terms of their child-friendliness, hospitality and infrastructure. Most of all, I want it to be an emotional guide through life as we live it. I want to share my ideas about motherhood, personhood and lifestyle. I want to make things a little bit easier, funny and fabulous for females. “How to be female, fabulous and friendly?” could be another chapter.    



zaterdag 23 maart 2013

life happens


Some things hurt and some things will never be the same. I want to have a baby. One, two, three. I want to have a baby and take care of it with all my heart and be a mom, a cute young mom with loads of time and responsibility and love, most of all love, to give and take.
I used to believe in fairy tales. Then, I learned that life goes differently. Things happen. Life happens. Now, I start to dream again. I feel so different than before. I feel so loaded, plainly loved and loaded, I feel like conquering the world with my two small hands, arm-with apart. I feel like loving, caring, inspiring, while being inspired by all that’s happening in front of me.
Life happens. But I do believe I make things happen, too. Maybe most of all: we do. We make things happen, in our own fashionable way.
I don’t even need to conquer the world, anymore. I want to be a mom, not yet a wife but a decent, high-level girlfriend, I need to learn how to cook (better) and how to live stress-free, so I can give all that’s left to those who surround me. I think that would be a pretty good deal. I might need to ask my boyfriend whether he’s up for that. I’m quite sure he is. I think we will conquer the world on our own terms, one day. It might be true: the best is yet to come.


vrijdag 22 maart 2013

only love

And suddenly
everything seems possible
My future might become 
everything I ever dreamed of

I’m in love. 




And where you invest your love
you invest your life. 

With love. 



vrijdag 15 maart 2013

oh my love

Life is perfect.

I'm in love with the most wonderful man on earth. He makes me feel happy, loved, lovely and free. We have time. We have time to think and time to talk, time to discover whatever dreams we might share and which road we prefer. I’m in love. I’m confident, strong, and madly in love. He makes me dazzle on my feet, he makes my wildest dreams come true. He gives me strength, confidence, trust and trustworthiness. I would put my heart in his hands and go for a walk. I would give anything for his touch, his presence and his attitude. He fits me perfectly, and he’s mine.

I still need to figure out what I’ll do with the rest of my life, of course. But everything feels so much lighter, so much brighter, when shared. I’m quite sure it will be perfectly fine, together.

I’m in love. I’m finally ready to give in, to reach out, to forget what is lost and to move forward, to what’s new. It is new, exciting, vintage and colorful. Still, it feels familiar, almost comfortable, as if I couldn’t imagine life without him by my side. If anything, it won't be grey. And it's getting better, every day.  

  

donderdag 14 maart 2013

blue sky


It is not easy, but I'm improving every day. I am still very tired, less productive and distracted, but I do manage to get some work done. I can pay attention in class, at least for half an hour and I do remember better whatever one has said. I remember details, again. Numbers, hours, places and people. I see less of the bigger picture, but I do remember the inside story. 

It’s probably most of all a matter of time. Time, work, discipline and attention. I have slept for 4 hours, but I did get up at 7 for my 8 AM class. I should be easy on myself, take it day by day. I still have months to prepare before I have to be on top-speed, again. For now, I'm fine. I’m feeling better every day, regaining attention, happiness, love and friendship. The sky is blue. Life, I’m loving it.


www.so-fille.tumblr.com



zondag 3 maart 2013

mon coeur


So I thought about it really thoroughly. My education, my childhood, my parents, my environment – It all made me who I am, for better or for worse. As much as I try to understand why some things happened, why some things went wrong, I can’t seem to understand the final clue. Fact is that I ended up pretty fine. I think that’s what matters most, eventually. I'm quite sure I will do some things differently, one day. At least, I will try. We all have a chance at doing things better. I’d love to take mine.




donderdag 28 februari 2013

AA

I'm not quite sure if I want to be a lawyer. Even though I’m good at it. Even though I’m smart and I got published in a magazine. It is just not me. Or at least, not who I want to be. I want to be different. Bright, brilliant, colorful and free. I want to use my imagination, play with pictures, get married and spend my weekends happy, taking care of my husband and kids and go to restaurants and bars and wear nice clothes and smile quite often and make other people happy. I want to be able to matter for others – and not to be fully occupied with matters of my own. As a lawyer, all that matters is work to be done. It’s not fun. Only occasionally, one gets drunk, forgets what needs to be done, before returning to routine and remembering what is lost. A lifetime. I could lose a lifetime, living as a lawyer. I don’t feel like doing that. 

Still, the other side scares me. Question is: what do I want in life? Honestly, I'm not yet sure. But I do know that there is no use to return to what I've already done before. Why would I go back to doing something I didn't like, at all? I know I’d love to try the job at American Apparel. It is nothing impulsive, but a true, inner passion, a curiosity for something different. Still, I could be wrong. Stakes are high. Money is involved. My whole future, as a matter of fact. 

What makes me different? Why will I make it? Because I have an exquisite taste. I don’t gather pictures – I gather beauty. I see what others can’t even feel – and it's time I start to believe that myself. In the words of Prof. Gervais: “Sofie. In the last 30 minutes you have proved me one thing: you are constantly underestimating yourself. It’s time you start to overestimate yourself”. And also: “If anything, you’re blessed. You’re one of the most brilliant students of the school. Don’t even try to think otherwise”. 

I might be afraid I am dreaming too big. I might believe in pink perfect dreams, while the future is something different. Reality, too. Maybe we're supposed to work in grey suits, make a lot of money, think about tomorrow and forget about today. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'm being naive, Audrey Hepburn, with an unfinished feel for fiction and fashion. But if I don't even try, wouldn't I regret it forever?

dinsdag 26 februari 2013

plus que



I’m in love. I’m thinking summer, barbecue, long drinks in the sunlight. I’m thinking thunder and lightning, plenty of adventures and places to discover. I’m thinking holding hands in the morning light, toast on the table and dinner at night. I'm thinking future. Feet in the sand, head in the clouds. I’m thinking postcards, vintage pictures and pink balloons in the living room. I might start to dream of life as an endless road trip, being at his side. I might. I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground, my eyes on the prize. I want him to be mine, forever and a day. And until that day, we play.



woensdag 13 februari 2013

offmeds


Life is so much better since I’m off meds. It is. It’s wonderful. I work less, I eat more, I smile more often, I feel great. I don’t panic. I can sleep at night. I'm hungry for life and less afraid of the future. That is great. The downside is that I am not anymore capable of doing 10.000 things a day. I just can’t. I get lost in between homework, images, friends and feelings. I feel more, I think less. I am not anymore functioning automatically, I am actually living. I think it is good. I know this is better. But I do have to live with the fact that I am less productive, less focused, more emotional, more me. 

I think I can do that. I’ve done it for about 18 years. And then, I started law school. I became confused about my direction, my goals and future perspectives. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to be a lawyer. I wasn’t sure at all if I was who I was supposed to be. So I started taking pills, mostly during finals, to keep my head on things – to prevent myself from getting distracted. I never realized that I might never have been out of line – I was just trying to adopt at the changing scenery, trying to fulfill every inch of expectation weighing on my shoulders. For what concerns the pills: they worked. They made me faster, better, harder, stronger. I felt less, I produced more. I became a lawyer. Magna cum laude, top of the bill. And everybody seemed happy. Everybody, except for me. 

I worked as a lawyer for 2 years. I hated it. From day one I knew this was not what I was meant to be doing. I was supposed to be great, but creative, intelligent, but smart. I wasn’t supposed to fight all the time with hometown clients; I wasn’t supposed to pretend I knew more than I actually did. It was just not me. So I moved to the States, my great get-away.

I’m off meds. I’m seeing things clearly, now. Or at least, I think I do. I need more time. I need more time to figure out where I want to go. Every road is fine – I am calm, I’ll be fine. There is no reason to panic: the future is bright. Still, I have some important thinking to do. Or rather, feeling. Who am I what am I here for where do I want to be? You tell me. I’m curious.   





zondag 10 februari 2013

des navires


So I met this guy and he makes me feel good. I don’t know him, yet, or at least not that well. What matters most, is that he makes me feel safe. He believes in my dreams and encourages me to go through with it. He has a feel for books, music and culture. That, I like. He has a feel for travelling, sailing the sea across stormy waters. He reminds me of my father – or at least, I think he does. And, if I remember it correctly, he is very attractive. I remember him standing at the bar on the second evening we met. I could have gone up to him freely, deliberately, seduced him with whatever words were on my mind. I did not. He came up to me. That, I like too. I am hurt. We’re all hurt. We’re all hurt by life, love, maybe mostly by living. I’m happy he took the chance to meet with me, to maybe become what I might need the most: my love.

maandag 4 februari 2013

new start



Maybe the best part is feeling good after you’ve been sad. And yoga. Ballet. Dancing in my living room. I made up my own line of happiness. Words, vibes, friends, friendship. I’m still quite often afraid of what might happen in the future, or today, but most of the time, I feel fine. I know now that if I try real hard, I can turn it into something useful, something bright. Today, I felt completely happy. Someone even asked me: “What are you all smiley about?” – “Nothing”, I said. “I’m just happy. It’s a good day. And, I’m going to the Postal Office with Sina, in a minute. I’m so happy to get out, get some air, drive through the city. And we’ll go to Starbucks, too.” I must have seemed a fool. At least, a happy fool.

After the Postal Office, I went home. I answered messages from far-away friends, I remembered what I had forgotten about. I bought new light bulbs for the bedroom and beers for Thursday night. In the store, a girl came up to me – “Hey, I know you from school! I see you all the time. You’re in the magazine, congratulations!” I blushed, introduced myself, asked for her name (the American way) and gave her my best smile. I try not to be afraid anymore of the fact that “people know me”. I try to hold on to my new storyline: “All is well. I’m OK. I am me, and that’s exactly how it should be”. I made it up myself. It helps. Whenever I feel stressed or tensed, I try to find the words that define who I am. It calms me down, reduces the blood flow pumping through my brain and then, I breathe. Easily, slowly. Now let's go back to the start: maybe the best part is feeling good, after you've been sad. Feeling calm, after you've been stressed. Feeling happy, after you thought you were lost, for a while. 

Work in progress. Almost there. 




zondag 27 januari 2013

sans titre

I might be more of a New York City girl. Un jour, j’irai à New York avec toi. The city, the atmosphere, the people, the crowd - J’aime bien. En fait, j’adore. J’ai vu plein de gens d’autrefois, et d’aujourd’hui – Je me suis trop bien amusée, partout, avec n’importe qui, faisant n'importe quoi. J’ai fait La Collection Frick, Central Park, the Meatpacking District, et The High Line. Je suis allée au Mulberry Project, et j'ai fait du shopping à Soho. Je faisais tout ce que je voulais faire, et tout était si évident, si facile, si simple comme bonjour. 

Oui, j’adore New York. Au même temps, je suis content de vivre à Nashville. Un peu plus de calme, un peu plus de vert, plein de soleil, et la vie d’étudiante. En fait, il faut que je commence à étudier – pas d’envie. Un deux trois – « Allez-y, ma petite Sofie! »

rose - la liste

I woke up at night and started writing in my head - I miss the smell of man on my body, I miss the feeling of being touched, torn apart, ripped into pieced and brought back together. I miss the feeling of being adored, being brought to insanity, with trembling knees and wide open eyes. I miss the sense of man, the smell of sweat and the steady grasp of my breasts, my hips, my body and mind. I wish I could give into it more easily, I wish I could create my own adventure with a stranger walking by - but I can't. I can't, and I won't. I made a promise to myself, and I plan on keeping it. In the meantime, I try to be real nice for myself. Learning, loving, discovering – probably believing that dreams might come true. At least I am true to myself. For once and for all, maybe most of all, for me. 


woensdag 23 januari 2013

fake


So now I see why half of my American friends take tranquilizers, Prozac or nutrient additives. And now I see why they all need food, beer or hours at the gym to calm down from a normal day. It is, my friend, because most of American society is fake. And most of the people around me fake it, too. I can’t take any more smiles today – I am done with it, for now. It is all One Big Joke – the American fairy tale. Although I do fit pretty well in the picture (I’m skinny, friendly, I behave properly, and smile often) – it is just not me. 

Boys fake their voice (as low as you can go), their hair, their muscles, their attitude. Girls fake their hair, their mood, their emotions, their smiles. As long as you smile, and wave, you are perfectly fine. Or at least, that’s how the story goes. Today, I felt like crying. After a lunch meeting with my Professor, who kept on praising me for my grades, I felt totally numb. Give me something real, something true, something sure, or at least some air – give me a reason to stay here, or I’ll turn my back around. I didn’t run. After another fake thank you, I went back to the law school, to fulfill millions of expectations, weighing on my shoulders. I’m crashing – I need a friend (not an American one, but a real one). 

So I called my mom, cried for a bit, told her my story and went back to the library. Red nose, blurry eyes - I couldn’t care less. That might be the best part – I didn’t care, anymore. I am me, that’s it, that’s all there is – and although I do know that should be good enough, it just doesn’t always feel that way. Tomorrow, I’m flying back to New York. I need some more energy, vitamin water, fruit and vegetables and maybe also, some carbs. I should eat better, rest more, sport less, become calm. I should go home. I feel like eating a big juicy melon and go to bed early. I still need to pack, though, and print my resume and do my reading - whatever. I am going home.