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zondag 27 januari 2013

sans titre

I might be more of a New York City girl. Un jour, j’irai à New York avec toi. The city, the atmosphere, the people, the crowd - J’aime bien. En fait, j’adore. J’ai vu plein de gens d’autrefois, et d’aujourd’hui – Je me suis trop bien amusée, partout, avec n’importe qui, faisant n'importe quoi. J’ai fait La Collection Frick, Central Park, the Meatpacking District, et The High Line. Je suis allée au Mulberry Project, et j'ai fait du shopping à Soho. Je faisais tout ce que je voulais faire, et tout était si évident, si facile, si simple comme bonjour. 

Oui, j’adore New York. Au même temps, je suis content de vivre à Nashville. Un peu plus de calme, un peu plus de vert, plein de soleil, et la vie d’étudiante. En fait, il faut que je commence à étudier – pas d’envie. Un deux trois – « Allez-y, ma petite Sofie! »

rose - la liste

I woke up at night and started writing in my head - I miss the smell of man on my body, I miss the feeling of being touched, torn apart, ripped into pieced and brought back together. I miss the feeling of being adored, being brought to insanity, with trembling knees and wide open eyes. I miss the sense of man, the smell of sweat and the steady grasp of my breasts, my hips, my body and mind. I wish I could give into it more easily, I wish I could create my own adventure with a stranger walking by - but I can't. I can't, and I won't. I made a promise to myself, and I plan on keeping it. In the meantime, I try to be real nice for myself. Learning, loving, discovering – probably believing that dreams might come true. At least I am true to myself. For once and for all, maybe most of all, for me. 


woensdag 23 januari 2013

fake


So now I see why half of my American friends take tranquilizers, Prozac or nutrient additives. And now I see why they all need food, beer or hours at the gym to calm down from a normal day. It is, my friend, because most of American society is fake. And most of the people around me fake it, too. I can’t take any more smiles today – I am done with it, for now. It is all One Big Joke – the American fairy tale. Although I do fit pretty well in the picture (I’m skinny, friendly, I behave properly, and smile often) – it is just not me. 

Boys fake their voice (as low as you can go), their hair, their muscles, their attitude. Girls fake their hair, their mood, their emotions, their smiles. As long as you smile, and wave, you are perfectly fine. Or at least, that’s how the story goes. Today, I felt like crying. After a lunch meeting with my Professor, who kept on praising me for my grades, I felt totally numb. Give me something real, something true, something sure, or at least some air – give me a reason to stay here, or I’ll turn my back around. I didn’t run. After another fake thank you, I went back to the law school, to fulfill millions of expectations, weighing on my shoulders. I’m crashing – I need a friend (not an American one, but a real one). 

So I called my mom, cried for a bit, told her my story and went back to the library. Red nose, blurry eyes - I couldn’t care less. That might be the best part – I didn’t care, anymore. I am me, that’s it, that’s all there is – and although I do know that should be good enough, it just doesn’t always feel that way. Tomorrow, I’m flying back to New York. I need some more energy, vitamin water, fruit and vegetables and maybe also, some carbs. I should eat better, rest more, sport less, become calm. I should go home. I feel like eating a big juicy melon and go to bed early. I still need to pack, though, and print my resume and do my reading - whatever. I am going home.

vrijdag 11 januari 2013

so smile

I feel a fool, falling head over heels for a guy I hardly knew. Lesson learned, that’s for sure. Don’t make up stories in your mind, unless you have proof they are happening for real. One big advantage though: I do know where I stand, and more importantly, where I am not. That makes moving forward a whole lot easier. I'm sure I will forget about it soon, while time moves smoothly forward. Still, there’s a lesson to be learned: keep your feet on the ground, keep your eyes on the prize. I’m quite little, so I start flying quite easily, with my head up in the clouds and my heart bumping faster. Although I love to use those feelings to write, paint or picture my pink perfect dreams, it doesn’t necessarily match with reality, for sure. I might not even move anywhere anymore: it’s time to let love happen, when or wherever that might be. I may continue to dream, dazzle and drink red wine on my woven carpet, while life slowly unfolds whatever faith there might be. Let’s toast to that, tonight, while staying young and slightly foolish in the street city light. Nashville, let’s go.





donderdag 10 januari 2013

happy-go-lucky

It took me a while, but I finally figured out how an American girl should behave – with that, I mean, what kind of American girl I would like to be. That is, a Euro-American girl, with jewelry and rings, blush and things. I have watched a dozen of sitcoms, soaps and stuff about the American life, which made it all quite clear – there is a big difference in life and lifestyle, but it all gets pretty easy once you get to know the tricks. And then, life gets fun. 


The tricks are: smile. Smile, very often, enthusiastically and brave. Behave properly, polite, and say “thank you” very often. Be graceful. Be shy, but confident, be honest, or at least pretend you are. Never talk about negative things – Americans don’t believe in negativity. And if you do want to say something slightly non-positive, you should frame it. Frame it like: “I have a feeling that”, “This might not be going in the right direction” or “I might be not so sure about that”. Be convinced about your opinion, but always open for discussion. Americans love discussion – that is, they like to hear themselves talk about a bunch of things, especially themselves. Never show them you are bored. Never walk out on a party without saying goodbye. Goodbye’s matter, just as the many “hello’s” in the hallway. And it’s not just “hello” – it is “Hello, how do you do?” But don’t make the mistake I made at first: I told them how I was actually doing. That’s not the point – that’s not even an option. You just keep on walking, straight through, and tell them “Hey, I’m great, how do you do?” Then, most of the times, the conversation is over. And that’s a good thing, actually – you really don’t want to get involved in all the “how do you do’s” you get in one day. Also, remember: the best answer is “great”. What do you think about Nashville? “Oh, it’s great!” What do you think about the Nashville weather? “Oh, it’s wonderful!” How was your trip to Belgium? “Great!” That’s all there is – and that’s all there should be. And actually, I am starting to enjoy it. I have made my own image as a Euro-American girl, being most in particular sweet, intelligent, friendly and brave. And that’s all I need, for now, for me. Of course, it can get tiring, sometimes. But it’s worth the effort, and it’s definitely worth the warmth you receive from all those friendly faces in the hallway, at school, in class and in the city. So now I am going to walk, happy-go-lucky, to my next class, where I’ll be learning more about advanced intellectual property law, that is, for professionals, as they say. Great!



dinsdag 1 januari 2013

50 shades of


I am actually not that good at moving. Although I love to move, for a while, or forever, I hate the factual change of scenery. I hate to say goodbye. I am much more calm, steady, confident and easy going when I have a solid place to come home to. For now, my home is in Nashville. It is strange – how much I longed to come home when I was living in Nashville, and how strange it felt when I was actually here. Although all conversation, thoughts and things remained the same, it all felt very different. Maybe I have changed. I’m not sure, but I do feel that something’s going on. I might have grown up, again, a little bit more. 

I’m not sure how I feel about the future. Short-term thinking, things are great. I will go back to Nashville, try to make the most of it, and take advantage of every opportunity I didn’t have before. I will grow. 
Long-term thinking, things feel different. If I choose to continue my professional path – which is currently the only rational thing to do – I will move to Brussels, work long hours, and rent a beautiful apartment that I will hardly ever see. I will meet new people, enjoy old friends. Life will be filled with things that I should do, have to do, things that I am supposed to do. Above all, it might be grey. Literally and physically grey. 

Long-long term thinking makes me, then again, happy. I have every opportunity to change my track, to move abroad, to do whatever makes me happy, where-ever that will be. As long as I keep on dreaming, try to make the most of it, and remember all things I have learned so far – everything should be fine. If I keep on repeating that, how can I go wrong?

(Le petit prince, mon meilleur example)