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donderdag 28 februari 2013

AA

I'm not quite sure if I want to be a lawyer. Even though I’m good at it. Even though I’m smart and I got published in a magazine. It is just not me. Or at least, not who I want to be. I want to be different. Bright, brilliant, colorful and free. I want to use my imagination, play with pictures, get married and spend my weekends happy, taking care of my husband and kids and go to restaurants and bars and wear nice clothes and smile quite often and make other people happy. I want to be able to matter for others – and not to be fully occupied with matters of my own. As a lawyer, all that matters is work to be done. It’s not fun. Only occasionally, one gets drunk, forgets what needs to be done, before returning to routine and remembering what is lost. A lifetime. I could lose a lifetime, living as a lawyer. I don’t feel like doing that. 

Still, the other side scares me. Question is: what do I want in life? Honestly, I'm not yet sure. But I do know that there is no use to return to what I've already done before. Why would I go back to doing something I didn't like, at all? I know I’d love to try the job at American Apparel. It is nothing impulsive, but a true, inner passion, a curiosity for something different. Still, I could be wrong. Stakes are high. Money is involved. My whole future, as a matter of fact. 

What makes me different? Why will I make it? Because I have an exquisite taste. I don’t gather pictures – I gather beauty. I see what others can’t even feel – and it's time I start to believe that myself. In the words of Prof. Gervais: “Sofie. In the last 30 minutes you have proved me one thing: you are constantly underestimating yourself. It’s time you start to overestimate yourself”. And also: “If anything, you’re blessed. You’re one of the most brilliant students of the school. Don’t even try to think otherwise”. 

I might be afraid I am dreaming too big. I might believe in pink perfect dreams, while the future is something different. Reality, too. Maybe we're supposed to work in grey suits, make a lot of money, think about tomorrow and forget about today. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'm being naive, Audrey Hepburn, with an unfinished feel for fiction and fashion. But if I don't even try, wouldn't I regret it forever?

dinsdag 26 februari 2013

plus que



I’m in love. I’m thinking summer, barbecue, long drinks in the sunlight. I’m thinking thunder and lightning, plenty of adventures and places to discover. I’m thinking holding hands in the morning light, toast on the table and dinner at night. I'm thinking future. Feet in the sand, head in the clouds. I’m thinking postcards, vintage pictures and pink balloons in the living room. I might start to dream of life as an endless road trip, being at his side. I might. I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground, my eyes on the prize. I want him to be mine, forever and a day. And until that day, we play.



woensdag 13 februari 2013

offmeds


Life is so much better since I’m off meds. It is. It’s wonderful. I work less, I eat more, I smile more often, I feel great. I don’t panic. I can sleep at night. I'm hungry for life and less afraid of the future. That is great. The downside is that I am not anymore capable of doing 10.000 things a day. I just can’t. I get lost in between homework, images, friends and feelings. I feel more, I think less. I am not anymore functioning automatically, I am actually living. I think it is good. I know this is better. But I do have to live with the fact that I am less productive, less focused, more emotional, more me. 

I think I can do that. I’ve done it for about 18 years. And then, I started law school. I became confused about my direction, my goals and future perspectives. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to be a lawyer. I wasn’t sure at all if I was who I was supposed to be. So I started taking pills, mostly during finals, to keep my head on things – to prevent myself from getting distracted. I never realized that I might never have been out of line – I was just trying to adopt at the changing scenery, trying to fulfill every inch of expectation weighing on my shoulders. For what concerns the pills: they worked. They made me faster, better, harder, stronger. I felt less, I produced more. I became a lawyer. Magna cum laude, top of the bill. And everybody seemed happy. Everybody, except for me. 

I worked as a lawyer for 2 years. I hated it. From day one I knew this was not what I was meant to be doing. I was supposed to be great, but creative, intelligent, but smart. I wasn’t supposed to fight all the time with hometown clients; I wasn’t supposed to pretend I knew more than I actually did. It was just not me. So I moved to the States, my great get-away.

I’m off meds. I’m seeing things clearly, now. Or at least, I think I do. I need more time. I need more time to figure out where I want to go. Every road is fine – I am calm, I’ll be fine. There is no reason to panic: the future is bright. Still, I have some important thinking to do. Or rather, feeling. Who am I what am I here for where do I want to be? You tell me. I’m curious.   





zondag 10 februari 2013

des navires


So I met this guy and he makes me feel good. I don’t know him, yet, or at least not that well. What matters most, is that he makes me feel safe. He believes in my dreams and encourages me to go through with it. He has a feel for books, music and culture. That, I like. He has a feel for travelling, sailing the sea across stormy waters. He reminds me of my father – or at least, I think he does. And, if I remember it correctly, he is very attractive. I remember him standing at the bar on the second evening we met. I could have gone up to him freely, deliberately, seduced him with whatever words were on my mind. I did not. He came up to me. That, I like too. I am hurt. We’re all hurt. We’re all hurt by life, love, maybe mostly by living. I’m happy he took the chance to meet with me, to maybe become what I might need the most: my love.

maandag 4 februari 2013

new start



Maybe the best part is feeling good after you’ve been sad. And yoga. Ballet. Dancing in my living room. I made up my own line of happiness. Words, vibes, friends, friendship. I’m still quite often afraid of what might happen in the future, or today, but most of the time, I feel fine. I know now that if I try real hard, I can turn it into something useful, something bright. Today, I felt completely happy. Someone even asked me: “What are you all smiley about?” – “Nothing”, I said. “I’m just happy. It’s a good day. And, I’m going to the Postal Office with Sina, in a minute. I’m so happy to get out, get some air, drive through the city. And we’ll go to Starbucks, too.” I must have seemed a fool. At least, a happy fool.

After the Postal Office, I went home. I answered messages from far-away friends, I remembered what I had forgotten about. I bought new light bulbs for the bedroom and beers for Thursday night. In the store, a girl came up to me – “Hey, I know you from school! I see you all the time. You’re in the magazine, congratulations!” I blushed, introduced myself, asked for her name (the American way) and gave her my best smile. I try not to be afraid anymore of the fact that “people know me”. I try to hold on to my new storyline: “All is well. I’m OK. I am me, and that’s exactly how it should be”. I made it up myself. It helps. Whenever I feel stressed or tensed, I try to find the words that define who I am. It calms me down, reduces the blood flow pumping through my brain and then, I breathe. Easily, slowly. Now let's go back to the start: maybe the best part is feeling good, after you've been sad. Feeling calm, after you've been stressed. Feeling happy, after you thought you were lost, for a while. 

Work in progress. Almost there.