maandag 4 februari 2013

new start

Maybe the best part is feeling good after you’ve been sad. And yoga. Ballet. Dancing in my living room. I made up my own line of happiness. Words, vibes, friends, friendship. I’m still quite often afraid of what might happen in the future, or today, but most of the time, I feel fine. I know now that if I try real hard, I can turn it into something useful, something bright. Today, I felt completely happy. Someone even asked me: “What are you all smiley about?” – “Nothing”, I said. “I’m just happy. It’s a good day. And, I’m going to the Postal Office with Sina, in a minute. I’m so happy to get out, get some air, drive through the city. And we’ll go to Starbucks, too.” I must have seemed a fool. At least, a happy fool.

After the Postal Office, I went home. I answered messages from far-away friends, I remembered what I had forgotten about. I bought new light bulbs for the bedroom and beers for Thursday night. In the store, a girl came up to me – “Hey, I know you from school! I see you all the time. You’re in the magazine, congratulations!” I blushed, introduced myself, asked for her name (the American way) and gave her my best smile. I try not to be afraid anymore of the fact that “people know me”. I try to hold on to my new storyline: “All is well. I’m OK. I am me, and that’s exactly how it should be”. I made it up myself. It helps. Whenever I feel stressed or tensed, I try to find the words that define who I am. It calms me down, reduces the blood flow pumping through my brain and then, I breathe. Easily, slowly. Now let's go back to the start: maybe the best part is feeling good, after you've been sad. Feeling calm, after you've been stressed. Feeling happy, after you thought you were lost, for a while. 

Work in progress. Almost there. 

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