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woensdag 13 februari 2013

offmeds


Life is so much better since I’m off meds. It is. It’s wonderful. I work less, I eat more, I smile more often, I feel great. I don’t panic. I can sleep at night. I'm hungry for life and less afraid of the future. That is great. The downside is that I am not anymore capable of doing 10.000 things a day. I just can’t. I get lost in between homework, images, friends and feelings. I feel more, I think less. I am not anymore functioning automatically, I am actually living. I think it is good. I know this is better. But I do have to live with the fact that I am less productive, less focused, more emotional, more me. 

I think I can do that. I’ve done it for about 18 years. And then, I started law school. I became confused about my direction, my goals and future perspectives. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to be a lawyer. I wasn’t sure at all if I was who I was supposed to be. So I started taking pills, mostly during finals, to keep my head on things – to prevent myself from getting distracted. I never realized that I might never have been out of line – I was just trying to adopt at the changing scenery, trying to fulfill every inch of expectation weighing on my shoulders. For what concerns the pills: they worked. They made me faster, better, harder, stronger. I felt less, I produced more. I became a lawyer. Magna cum laude, top of the bill. And everybody seemed happy. Everybody, except for me. 

I worked as a lawyer for 2 years. I hated it. From day one I knew this was not what I was meant to be doing. I was supposed to be great, but creative, intelligent, but smart. I wasn’t supposed to fight all the time with hometown clients; I wasn’t supposed to pretend I knew more than I actually did. It was just not me. So I moved to the States, my great get-away.

I’m off meds. I’m seeing things clearly, now. Or at least, I think I do. I need more time. I need more time to figure out where I want to go. Every road is fine – I am calm, I’ll be fine. There is no reason to panic: the future is bright. Still, I have some important thinking to do. Or rather, feeling. Who am I what am I here for where do I want to be? You tell me. I’m curious.   





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