donderdag 28 februari 2013


I'm not quite sure if I want to be a lawyer. Even though I’m good at it. Even though I’m smart and I got published in a magazine. It is just not me. Or at least, not who I want to be. I want to be different. Bright, brilliant, colorful and free. I want to use my imagination, play with pictures, get married and spend my weekends happy, taking care of my husband and kids and go to restaurants and bars and wear nice clothes and smile quite often and make other people happy. I want to be able to matter for others – and not to be fully occupied with matters of my own. As a lawyer, all that matters is work to be done. It’s not fun. Only occasionally, one gets drunk, forgets what needs to be done, before returning to routine and remembering what is lost. A lifetime. I could lose a lifetime, living as a lawyer. I don’t feel like doing that. 

Still, the other side scares me. Question is: what do I want in life? Honestly, I'm not yet sure. But I do know that there is no use to return to what I've already done before. Why would I go back to doing something I didn't like, at all? I know I’d love to try the job at American Apparel. It is nothing impulsive, but a true, inner passion, a curiosity for something different. Still, I could be wrong. Stakes are high. Money is involved. My whole future, as a matter of fact. 

What makes me different? Why will I make it? Because I have an exquisite taste. I don’t gather pictures – I gather beauty. I see what others can’t even feel – and it's time I start to believe that myself. In the words of Prof. Gervais: “Sofie. In the last 30 minutes you have proved me one thing: you are constantly underestimating yourself. It’s time you start to overestimate yourself”. And also: “If anything, you’re blessed. You’re one of the most brilliant students of the school. Don’t even try to think otherwise”. 

I might be afraid I am dreaming too big. I might believe in pink perfect dreams, while the future is something different. Reality, too. Maybe we're supposed to work in grey suits, make a lot of money, think about tomorrow and forget about today. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'm being naive, Audrey Hepburn, with an unfinished feel for fiction and fashion. But if I don't even try, wouldn't I regret it forever?

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