zaterdag 23 november 2013


I love him, but I lost him – in love, that is. He is often angry, never satisfied, he scares me and I need him or I cannot sleep in the cold of my own breath - I once was colorful and strong, now I feel terrified and grey.

I love him, or at least I try to – he doesn't buy it, he tells me my love is elsewhere, my thoughts he cannot control, but fact is – I love him, I love to be together, I’d love to start a family and move on and forward to whatever comes next, together - But of course, I realize – we can’t. We fight, we doubt, we lose track and fall and fight and seek for the answer but the question is - where is the love?

He is not afraid for whatever comes next – he is terrified by demons of the paste. So I did some research. Often when I feel lost or confused, I try to track the theoretic founding of my doubt looking for answers – solutions. I looked for jealousy – obsessive loving – controlling relationships. I found what I was looking for, but not what I wanted to know.

While he screens my emails, my phone, my letters and lust – we drift further and further apart, away -
Finally, we do no longer exist
Finally, we are two separate souls seeking for love and truth and compassion, killing each other with fear and disillusion, in need for love and trust -
Far away from what’s real
Reality, that is

For the first time today or last night
I thought about letting you go
moving out and moving further
I have nowhere to go – no one to love
Nowhere to hide – no one to blame
So I feel lost and confused, dazzled and done
I need you more than ever
But I may not be destroyed by love
Nor by you