donderdag 24 april 2014


"If I would be a mom, I would bake cake all day and smile and sing, until the sky colors a rainbow and all problems fade away"
At this point in my life all is dazzling. I feel lost and confused, twisted and thin. The last few days, everything changed – my future plans, my perspectives, my mind-set, and my ideas. I’m pregnant. I will have a sweet little baby in 8 more months, crying in my arms, asking for love and shelter, milk and warmth. I’m happy. I feel confident and strong, ready to take up this challenge. It is time for change, time to take good care of my body, time to zoom out and jump in on this wonderful ride called life. However, I’m missing parts of the puzzle. My boyfriend. He and I should be two, ready to become three. We are not, or at least not yet. Since the news kicked in, we’ve been fighting and struggling all over the place. Yesterday, we almost got a grip of things. Then, he read an email of a far-away friend, claiming it proved I did not love him enough to have his baby. This morning, he found another argument to doubt my love and set me aside. Today, I received another disturbing phone call, leaving me feeling lost and confused, lonely and loveless. Tonight, we should go over to friends for dinner. I’m not sure he’ll join. If he doesn’t, I’ll feel so upset I’d better cancel myself.
Of course, I do understand him. Our relationship wasn’t steady, or at least not yet. We were still in the try out zone, for better or for worse, looking and longing for harmony, together.
Maybe we should stop trying. Maybe we should give up and give in, into this wonderful adventure that is about to happen. I love him, I do. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me feel comfortable and safe, loved and protected. I know he’ll be a great dad – he is responsible, funny, strong and straight-minded (a bit too straight-minded, for that matter). Yesterday, the gynecologist told us: “Of course life is full of surprises – if it wasn’t the case, why would we live it?”
That being said, it takes two to tango. It takes strength, a lot of courage, cleverness and compassion to go on this trip, together. I hope he’ll join me, soon. If not, I might live another story too harmful to remember.

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